1So, Absalom was like, “Let’s get some chariots and horses, and I need 50 homies to roll with me.”

2Early morning grind, Absalom was chillin' by the gate, waiting for peeps to come through for judgment, and he’d be like, “Yo, where you from?” The guy was like, “I’m from one of the tribes of Israel, fam.”

3Absalom was like, “Your issues are on point, but no cap, there’s no one from the king to help you out.”

4He was like, “Man, I wish I could be the judge here, so everyone with a case could come to me, and I’d totally give them justice!”

5Whenever someone came to show respect, he’d reach out, grab their hand, and give them a kiss, like, “What’s good?”

6Absalom was doing this to everyone in Israel who came for judgment, so he was low-key stealing the hearts of the people.

7After 40 years, Absalom hit up the king, “Yo, can I bounce and pay my vow to the Lord in Hebron?”

8He was like, “I made a promise while I was chilling in Geshur, saying if the Lord brings me back to Jerusalem, I’ll serve Him for real.”

9The king was like, “Bet, go in peace.” So, Absalom got up and headed to Hebron.

10But Absalom was sneaky, sending spies all over Israel, saying, “As soon as you hear the trumpet, just know, Absalom’s the king in Hebron.”

11So Absalom rolled out with 200 dudes from Jerusalem, all chillin' and clueless, no cap.

12Absalom hit up Ahithophel the Gilonite, David's go-to advisor, while he was vibing with sacrifices. The conspiracy was lit; more peeps kept joining Absalom, fr.

13A messenger slid into David’s DMs, saying, “Yo, the vibes of Israel are all about Absalom now.”

14David told his squad in Jerusalem, “Yo, we gotta bounce, like, ASAP! We can't let Absalom catch us and bring the drama, periodt.”

15The king's crew was like, “Bet, we’re down for whatever you need, my lord.”

16The king dipped out with his whole fam, but left ten women behind to hold it down at the crib.

17The king peaced out, and all the people followed, chillin' at a spot far away.

18All his crew rolled with him; the Cherethites, Pelethites, and Gittites, like 600 peeps from Gath, were ahead of the king.

19The king asked Ittai the Gittite, “Why you rollin' with us? Just go back and chill with the king; you’re new here, no cap.”

20“You just got here yesterday; should I make you vibe with us today? Go back and take your homies with you; mercy and truth be with you, fr.”

21Ittai was like, "As long as God’s alive, I’m rolling with you, king, no matter if it’s life or death. I’m here for it, periodt."

22David told Ittai, "Bet, go ahead and cross over." So Ittai and his crew, including the little ones, bounced over.

23The whole place was crying out loud, while everyone crossed over. The king himself dipped over the Kidron brook, and all the peeps followed into the wild.

24And yo, Zadok and all the Levites were with him, carrying the ark of God’s covenant. They set it down, and Abiathar went up until everyone had left the city.

25The king was like, "Zadok, take the ark back to the city. If I find favor with God, He’ll bring me back to see it and chill in His spot."

26But if He’s like, "Nah, I’m not feeling you," then here I am, let Him do what He wants, no cap.

27The king told Zadok the priest, "Aren’t you a seer? Just head back to the city in peace, and bring your two sons, Ahimaaz and Jonathan, with you."

28"I’m gonna chill in the wilderness until I hear from you to let me know what’s up."

29So Zadok and Abiathar took the ark back to Jerusalem and stayed there.

30David climbed up Mount Olivet, crying as he went, head covered and barefoot. Everyone with him was covering their heads, all of them weeping as they went up.

31Someone told David, "Yo, Ahithophel is rolling with Absalom." David was like, "O Lord, can you turn Ahithophel's advice into straight-up nonsense? No cap."

32When David hit the top of the mountain to worship, Hushai the Archite popped up with his coat all ripped and dirt on his head, looking sus.

33David said, "If you roll with me, you might just be a drag, fam."

34"But if you bounce back to the city and tell Absalom, 'I’m your ride or die, king,' like I was for your dad, then you might just mess up Ahithophel’s plans for me. Periodt."

35"Aren't Zadok and Abiathar the priests with you? So whatever you hear from the king's crib, spill it to Zadok and Abiathar."

36"They've got their two sons with them, Ahimaaz, Zadok's kid, and Jonathan, Abiathar's kid; send me all the tea through them."

37So Hushai, David's homie, rolled into the city, and Absalom cruised into Jerusalem.

1And it came to pass after this, that Absalom prepared him chariots and horses, and fifty men to run before him.

2And Absalom rose up early, and stood beside the way of the gate: and it was so, that when any man that had a controversy came to the king for judgment, then Absalom called unto him, and said, Of what city art thou? And he said, Thy servant is of one of the tribes of Israel.

3And Absalom said unto him, See, thy matters are good and right; but there is no man deputed of the king to hear thee.

4Absalom said moreover, Oh that I were made judge in the land, that every man which hath any suit or cause might come unto me, and I would do him justice!

5And it was so, that when any man came nigh to him to do him obeisance, he put forth his hand, and took him, and kissed him.

6And on this manner did Absalom to all Israel that came to the king for judgment: so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.

7And it came to pass after forty years, that Absalom said unto the king, I pray thee, let me go and pay my vow, which I have vowed unto the Lord, in Hebron.

8For thy servant vowed a vow while I abode at Geshur in Syria, saying, If the Lord shall bring me again indeed to Jerusalem, then I will serve the Lord.

9And the king said unto him, Go in peace. So he arose, and went to Hebron.

10But Absalom sent spies throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, As soon as ye hear the sound of the trumpet, then ye shall say, Absalom reigneth in Hebron.

11And with Absalom went two hundred men out of Jerusalem, that were called; and they went in their simplicity, and they knew not any thing.

12And Absalom sent for Ahithophel the Gilonite, David’s counsellor, from his city, even from Giloh, while he offered sacrifices. And the conspiracy was strong; for the people increased continually with Absalom.

13And there came a messenger to David, saying, The hearts of the men of Israel are after Absalom.

14And David said unto all his servants that were with him at Jerusalem, Arise, and let us flee; for we shall not else escape from Absalom: make speed to depart, lest he overtake us suddenly, and bring evil upon us, and smite the city with the edge of the sword.

15And the king’s servants said unto the king, Behold, thy servants are ready to do whatsoever my lord the king shall appoint.

16And the king went forth, and all his household after him. And the king left ten women, which were concubines, to keep the house.

17And the king went forth, and all the people after him, and tarried in a place that was far off.

18And all his servants passed on beside him; and all the Cherethites, and all the Pelethites, and all the Gittites, six hundred men which came after him from Gath, passed on before the king.

19Then said the king to Ittai the Gittite, Wherefore goest thou also with us? return to thy place, and abide with the king: for thou art a stranger, and also an exile.

20Whereas thou camest but yesterday, should I this day make thee go up and down with us? seeing I go whither I may, return thou, and take back thy brethren: mercy and truth be with thee.

21And Ittai answered the king, and said, As the Lord liveth, and as my lord the king liveth, surely in what place my lord the king shall be, whether in death or life, even there also will thy servant be.

22And David said to Ittai, Go and pass over. And Ittai the Gittite passed over, and all his men, and all the little ones that were with him.

23And all the country wept with a loud voice, and all the people passed over: the king also himself passed over the brook Kidron, and all the people passed over, toward the way of the wilderness.

24And lo Zadok also, and all the Levites were with him, bearing the ark of the covenant of God: and they set down the ark of God; and Abiathar went up, until all the people had done passing out of the city.

25And the king said unto Zadok, Carry back the ark of God into the city: if I shall find favour in the eyes of the Lord, he will bring me again, and shew me both it, and his habitation:

26But if he thus say, I have no delight in thee; behold, here am I, let him do to me as seemeth good unto him.

27The king said also unto Zadok the priest, Art not thou a seer? return into the city in peace, and your two sons with you, Ahimaaz thy son, and Jonathan the son of Abiathar.

28See, I will tarry in the plain of the wilderness, until there come word from you to certify me.

29Zadok therefore and Abiathar carried the ark of God again to Jerusalem: and they tarried there.

30And David went up by the ascent of mount Olivet, and wept as he went up, and had his head covered, and he went barefoot: and all the people that was with him covered every man his head, and they went up, weeping as they went up.

31And one told David, saying, Ahithophel is among the conspirators with Absalom. And David said, O Lord, I pray thee, turn the counsel of Ahithophel into foolishness.

32And it came to pass, that when David was come to the top of the mount, where he worshipped God, behold, Hushai the Archite came to meet him with his coat rent, and earth upon his head:

33Unto whom David said, If thou passest on with me, then thou shalt be a burden unto me:

34But if thou return to the city, and say unto Absalom, I will be thy servant, O king; as I have been thy father’s servant hitherto, so will I now also be thy servant: then mayest thou for me defeat the counsel of Ahithophel.

35And hast thou not there with thee Zadok and Abiathar the priests? therefore it shall be, that what thing soever thou shalt hear out of the king’s house, thou shalt tell it to Zadok and Abiathar the priests.

36Behold, they have there with them their two sons, Ahimaaz Zadok’s son, and Jonathan Abiathar’s son; and by them ye shall send unto me every thing that ye can hear.

37So Hushai David’s friend came into the city, and Absalom came into Jerusalem.