Gen Z: 2 Chronicles 13
1So like, in the eighteenth year of King Jeroboam, Abijah starts flexing his reign over Judah.
2He ruled for three years in Jerusalem. His mom was Michaiah, daughter of Uriel from Gibeah. And yeah, war was poppin' off between Abijah and Jeroboam.
3Abijah gathered his squad of 400,000 lit warriors, while Jeroboam brought 800,000 goated fighters to the battlefield.
4Abijah stood on Mount Zemaraim in Ephraim and was like, "Yo, Jeroboam and all of Israel, listen up!"
5Don’t you know that the Lord God of Israel gave the kingdom to David forever, like, that’s a serious promise?
6But Jeroboam, son of Nebat and former servant of Solomon, totally rebelled against his king.
7He gathered a bunch of sus dudes, the children of Belial, and flexed against Rehoboam when he was just a kid, too soft to handle it.
8Now you think you can take on the Lord's kingdom held by David’s crew, with your whole squad and those golden calves Jeroboam made for you?
9Did you really kick out the Lord’s priests, the sons of Aaron, and get your own priests like other nations? Anyone who wants to vibe can just show up with a bull and some rams and be a priest of fake gods?
10But we’re chillin’ with the Lord as our God, and we haven’t ghosted Him; the priests serving the Lord are from Aaron’s fam, and the Levites are on their grind.
11They burn sacrifices and sweet incense for the Lord every morning and evening, and they set the shewbread up on the pure table, keeping the vibes right with the gold candlestick lit every night. We’re holding it down for the Lord, but y’all have dipped.
12Plus, God is our captain, and His priests are blowing trumpets to warn you. Yo, children of Israel, don’t mess with the Lord God of your ancestors; you won’t win.
13But Jeroboam set a sneak attack behind them: they were stuck between Judah and the ambush.
14When Judah looked back, the battle was all around them, so they cried out to the Lord, and the priests blasted the trumpets.
15Then the Judah squad shouted, and as they did, God wrecked Jeroboam and all Israel in front of Abijah and Judah.
16The kids of Israel dipped in front of Judah, and God handed them over.
17Abijah and his crew took them down hard: 500,000 of Israel’s chosen fell that day.
18So, the kids of Israel were brought low, and Judah came out on top because they were riding with the Lord God of their ancestors.
19Abijah chased down Jeroboam, snatching cities like Beth-el and its towns, Jeshanah and its towns, and Ephrain and its towns.
20Jeroboam couldn’t bounce back during Abijah’s reign: the Lord hit him, and he was done.
21But Abijah got strong, married 14 wives, and had 22 sons and 16 daughters.
22The rest of Abijah’s deeds, his ways, and his sayings are all in the story of the prophet Iddo.