1So, Jesus was like, "Yo, there was this rich dude with a manager, and peeps were saying he was wasting all his stuff. Savage."

2He hit up the manager and was like, "What's the tea? I’m hearing some sus stuff about you. Show me your receipts, fam; you're about to be out."

3The manager was thinking, "What do I do? My boss is snatching my gig, and I can’t dig; begging is not my vibe."

4He was like, "Bet, I know what to do so that when I’m out, I’ll have peeps to crash with."

5So, he called up all his boss’s debtors and asked the first one, "How much do you owe my boss?"

6Dude was like, "A hundred jars of oil." The manager said, "Bet, take your bill, sit down quick, and write fifty."

7Then he asked another, "And you, how much do you owe?" The guy said, "A hundred bags of wheat." He said, "Cool, take your bill and write eighty."

8The boss was low-key impressed with the shady manager because he was slick: the people of this world are way smarter than the kids of light.

9And I’m telling you, make friends with the cash of the shady stuff, so when you’re in a pinch, they got your back for life.

10If you’re loyal with the little things, you’ll be loyal with the big stuff too; but if you’re sketchy with the small, you’ll be sketchy with the large.

11If you ain't loyal with the cash that ain't yours, who’s gonna trust you with the real blessings?

12And if you can't handle what belongs to someone else, how you gonna get your own stuff?

13No one can roll with two bosses: you'll either vibe with one and ghost the other, or vice versa. You can't serve God and money, no cap.

14The Pharisees, who were all about that greed, peeped what he said and clowned him.

15He told them, "You flex on people to look good, but God knows what's really in your hearts; what’s lit to you is sus to Him."

16The law and prophets were a thing until John; now the kingdom of God is the vibe, and everyone’s trying to get in.

17It’s easier for heaven and earth to dip than for even a tiny part of the law to go away.

18Whoever kicks their wife to marry someone else is being savage; and if you marry someone who got dumped, that’s also wild.

19There was this rich dude, dripped in purple and fine threads, living large every single day.

20And there was this beggar named Lazarus, chilling at his gate, totally wrecked with sores.

21Dude just wanted the scraps from the rich guy’s table, and even the dogs were vibing with his sores.

22Then it happened, the beggar passed away, and angels took him to chill with Abraham; the rich dude also kicked the bucket and got buried.

23In the underworld, he looked up, feeling all the pain, and saw Abraham way over there, with Lazarus chilling in his lap.

24He yelled, “Yo, Abraham, show me some mercy! Send Lazarus to just dip his finger in water to cool my tongue; I’m straight-up tormented in this fire.”

25Abraham was like, “Bruh, remember when you were living it up? You got your good stuff, and Lazarus had it rough; now he’s vibing, and you’re stuck in pain.”

26Plus, there’s a huge gap between us and you, so nobody can slide over here or you guys can’t come over there.

27Then he was like, “Please, Father, send him to my fam’s crib.”

28“I got five bros; let him warn them, so they don’t end up in this mess too.”

29Abraham replied, “They’ve got Moses and the prophets; let them listen to those guys.”

30He said, “Nah, Father Abraham; if someone comes back from the dead, they’ll totally change their ways.”

31He’s like, “If they don’t vibe with Moses and the prophets, they’re not gonna believe even if someone came back from the dead. No cap.”

1And he said also unto his disciples, There was a certain rich man, which had a steward; and the same was accused unto him that he had wasted his goods.

2And he called him, and said unto him, How is it that I hear this of thee? give an account of thy stewardship; for thou mayest be no longer steward.

3Then the steward said within himself, What shall I do? for my lord taketh away from me the stewardship: I cannot dig; to beg I am ashamed.

4I am resolved what to do, that, when I am put out of the stewardship, they may receive me into their houses.

5So he called every one of his lord’s debtors unto him, and said unto the first, How much owest thou unto my lord?

6And he said, An hundred measures of oil. And he said unto him, Take thy bill, and sit down quickly, and write fifty.

7Then said he to another, And how much owest thou? And he said, An hundred measures of wheat. And he said unto him, Take thy bill, and write fourscore.

8And the lord commended the unjust steward, because he had done wisely: for the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light.

9And I say unto you, Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations.

10He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much.

11If therefore ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will commit to your trust the true riches?

12And if ye have not been faithful in that which is another man’s, who shall give you that which is your own?

13No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

14And the Pharisees also, who were covetous, heard all these things: and they derided him.

15And he said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God.

16The law and the prophets were until John: since that time the kingdom of God is preached, and every man presseth into it.

17And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail.

18Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery.

19There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:

20And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,

21And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man’s table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.

22And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham’s bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried;

23And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.

24And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.

25But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.

26And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that would come from thence.

27Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father’s house:

28For I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment.

29Abraham saith unto him, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.

30And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one went unto them from the dead, they will repent.

31And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.