Gen Z: Joshua 8
1And the Lord said to Joshua, "No cap, don’t be scared or stressed: grab all the squad and bounce to Ai: I got the king of Ai and his crew, city, and land all set for you."
2"You’re gonna handle Ai and its king just like you did with Jericho: but keep the loot and the cattle for yourselves: set a trap behind the city."
3So Joshua got up, and all the warriors, ready to roll against Ai: he picked thirty thousand goated men and sent them out at night.
4He told them, "Yo, you’re gonna chill and wait by the city, not too far: stay ready for the pop off."
5"Me and my crew will head to the city: when they come at us like last time, we’ll dip out."
6"(They’ll chase us) until we lure them outta the city; they’ll think we’re running like before, so we’ll bounce."
7"Then you’ll jump up from the ambush and take the city: the Lord your God’s got this in the bag for you."
8"And when you’ve taken the city, light it up: do it just like the Lord said. I’ve got you on this."
9Joshua sent them out: they went to set the ambush, chilling between Beth-el and Ai, on the west side of Ai: but Joshua crashed with the people that night.
10Early in the morning, Joshua woke up, counted the people, and headed out with the elders of Israel to Ai.
11Everyone, even the warriors rollin' with him, pulled up and got close to the city, campin' on the north side of Ai. Lowkey, there was a valley chillin' between them and Ai.
12He grabbed like five thousand dudes and set them up to ambush between Beth-el and Ai, on the west side of the city.
13After setting up the squad, even the whole crew on the north side of the city, and their sneaky peeps on the west, Joshua dipped into the valley that night.
14When the king of Ai peeped this, he was like, "Time to pop off!" and got his crew up early to face Israel, but he had no clue there were ambushers waiting behind the city.
15Joshua and all of Israel acted like they were totally losing and bounced into the wilderness.
16The whole squad in Ai got called to chase after them: they went after Joshua and left the city wide open.
17No one was left in Ai or Beth-el that didn’t chase after Israel: they left the city chillin' and went after Israel.
18The Lord told Joshua, "Stretch out your spear toward Ai; I got you, it's yours." So Joshua stretched out his spear toward the city.
19The ambush popped off quick as soon as he stretched out his hand: they rushed into the city, took it, and set that place on fire.
20When the dudes of Ai looked back, they saw smoke rising to the sky, and they couldn’t escape either way: the peeps who ran to the wilderness turned back on the chasers.
21So when Joshua and the whole squad saw the ambush took the city, and the smoke was rising, they turned back and took out the guys from Ai.
22The others came outta the city to throw down too; they were surrounded by Israel, some on this side, some on that side, and they clapped back hard, leaving no one to escape.
23They took the king of Ai alive and brought him to Joshua, no cap.
24After Israel finished taking out all the people of Ai in the field, where they chased them down, and everyone fell by the sword, the Israelites went back to Ai and finished the job.
25That day, all the peeps who fell, men and women, were twelve thousand, all the guys from Ai.
26Joshua didn’t pull back his hand with the spear until he wiped out all the people of Ai, straight up savage.
27They only took the livestock and stuff from the city for themselves, just like God told Joshua to do, periodt.
28Joshua burned Ai and turned it into a forever desolation, it’s still a wreck today.
29The king of Ai got hung on a tree till sunset; when the sun went down, Joshua said to take him down and throw his body at the city gate, then pile up a big ol' heap of stones there, still there today.
30Then Joshua built an altar for the Lord God of Israel on Mount Ebal, vibes.
31Moses, the GOAT of the Lord, told the squad to build an altar with whole stones, no iron allowed. They brought those burnt offerings to God, and the peace offerings were straight bussin’.
32He dropped a copy of the law on those stones, all while the kids of Israel were vibing right there.
33All of Israel, the elders, and the judges gathered on both sides of the ark, with the Levites holding it down, ready to bless the people, just like Moses said.
34Then he read out all the law's words, the blessings and the curses, keeping it 100 with everything in the law book.
35Joshua didn’t skip a beat; he read every word Moses dropped to the whole crew, including the women, kids, and anyone else hanging around.