1Yo, they told Joab, "Ayo, the king's out here crying hard for Absalom, no cap."

2That day’s win turned into a whole mood for everyone, 'cause they heard the king was super bummed about his son.

3The people snuck back into the city like they were lowkey embarrassed after losing a battle, fr.

4But the king hid his face and screamed, "O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!" That hit different.

5Joab rolled up to the king and was like, "You just made all your servants feel some type of way today, and they just saved you and your fam."

6You love your enemies but hate your friends, for real? You made it clear today that you don't care about anyone, not even the crew.

7So get up, go out, and hype up your squad: I swear on the Lord, if you don’t step out, nobody's gonna stick around tonight, and that’s gonna be rougher than all the struggles you've faced.

8Then the king got up and chilled at the gate. They told everyone, "Yo, the king’s sitting at the gate!" and all the people came through 'cause Israel was hiding out in their tents.

9Everyone was beefing in the tribes of Israel, saying, "The king saved us from our enemies and the Philistines, and now he dipped 'cause of Absalom."

10And Absalom, the dude we crowned, is dead in battle. So why isn’t anyone talking about bringing the king back?

11Yo, King David hit up Zadok and Abiathar, like, "Why y'all the last to bring the king back home? Everyone in Israel's already hyped to see him."

12You guys are my fam, my ride or dies: so why are you lagging on bringing the king back?

13Tell Amasa, "Aren't you part of my crew? No cap, if you're not my main guy leading the squad instead of Joab, then what are we even doing?"

14He got all the dudes in Judah vibing together as one, so they sent this message to the king: "Pull up, and bring your whole squad."

15So the king rolled back and hit up Jordan. Judah showed up at Gilgal to welcome the king and help him cross over.

16Shimei, the Benjamite from Bahurim, was like, "I gotta catch up!" and rushed down with the Judah squad to meet King David.

17He had a thousand Benjamin homies with him, plus Ziba from Saul's crew, his fifteen sons, and twenty servants, all crossing Jordan before the king.

18They brought a ferry to help the king's crew cross over, and Shimei dropped to the ground when the king came over Jordan.

19He said to the king, "Please don’t hold my wrongs against me, and forget what I did when you left Jerusalem. Don’t let that weigh on your heart."

20Your boy knows he messed up: so here I am, first in line today from Joseph's fam to meet you, my king.

21But Abishai, son of Zeruiah, was like, "Yo, shouldn’t Shimei get the boot for cursing the Lord’s fave? That’s sus."

22And David was like, "What’s your deal, sons of Zeruiah? Why you gotta be haters today? Nobody's getting taken out in Israel, I’m the king today, fr."

23So the king told Shimei, "You ain't gonna die." And he swore on it.

24Then Mephibosheth, son of Saul, rolled up to meet the king, but dude hadn’t even cleaned up since the king left. No cap.

25When he got to Jerusalem to see the king, the king asked, "Why didn’t you come with me, Mephibosheth?"

26He replied, "My dude, the servant played me: he was like, 'I’ll get a donkey for you to ride,' but I can’t because I’m lame."

27"He’s been slandering me to you, king; but you’re like an angel, so do what you think is best, periodt."

28"All my fam were like dead weight before you, king, but you let me eat at your table. So what right do I have to complain?"

29And the king said, "Why you still talking about this? I said, you and Ziba split the land."

30Mephibosheth was like, "Bet, let him take it all, since you’re back home in peace, king."

31So Barzillai from Gilead rolled down from Rogelim and crossed the Jordan with the king, helping him out.

32Barzillai was mad old, like 80 years and counting, and he had been hooking up the king with food while he was chilling at Mahanaim; dude was straight-up goated.

33The king said to Barzillai, "Yo, come with me to Jerusalem, I got you with some grub."

34Barzillai replied, "How long do I even have left to live that I should roll up to Jerusalem with you?"

35"I'm 80 already, can I even tell what's good or not? Can I taste the food or drinks? Can I still hear the vibes of singers? Why would I be a burden to you, my dude?"

36"I’ll just vibe a little over the Jordan with you, but why you gotta reward me for that?"

37"Let me go back so I can chill in my own city and get buried next to my fam. But hey, let Chimham roll with you, and do whatever feels right for him."

38The king said, "Chimham can come with me, and I’ll hook him up with whatever you want, no cap."

39Everyone crossed the Jordan, and when the king made it over, he gave Barzillai a kiss and blessed him; then Barzillai headed back home.

40Then the king went to Gilgal, with Chimham tagging along, and all the Judah peeps escorted the king, plus half of Israel's crew.

41Yo, all the dudes from Israel rolled up to the king and were like, "Why’d the Judah squad steal you away and bring you and your crew across the Jordan? That's sus."

42The Judah squad clapped back, saying, "The king’s our fam, so why y’all mad? Did we munch on the king’s dime? Did he hook us up with anything?"

43Then the Israel crew hit back, saying, "We got ten shares in the king, and we got more rizz with David than you. Why’d you sleep on us and not let our advice pop off for bringing back the king?" The Judah squad was coming in hot, way more savage than the Israel squad.

1And it was told Joab, Behold, the king weepeth and mourneth for Absalom.

2And the victory that day was turned into mourning unto all the people: for the people heard say that day how the king was grieved for his son.

3And the people gat them by stealth that day into the city, as people being ashamed steal away when they flee in battle.

4But the king covered his face, and the king cried with a loud voice, O my son Absalom, O Absalom, my son, my son!

5And Joab came into the house to the king, and said, Thou hast shamed this day the faces of all thy servants, which this day have saved thy life, and the lives of thy sons and of thy daughters, and the lives of thy wives, and the lives of thy concubines;

6In that thou lovest thine enemies, and hatest thy friends. For thou hast declared this day, that thou regardest neither princes nor servants: for this day I perceive, that if Absalom had lived, and all we had died this day, then it had pleased thee well.

7Now therefore arise, go forth, and speak comfortably unto thy servants: for I swear by the Lord, if thou go not forth, there will not tarry one with thee this night: and that will be worse unto thee than all the evil that befell thee from thy youth until now.

8Then the king arose, and sat in the gate. And they told unto all the people, saying, Behold, the king doth sit in the gate. And all the people came before the king: for Israel had fled every man to his tent.

9And all the people were at strife throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, The king saved us out of the hand of our enemies, and he delivered us out of the hand of the Philistines; and now he is fled out of the land for Absalom.

10And Absalom, whom we anointed over us, is dead in battle. Now therefore why speak ye not a word of bringing the king back?

11And king David sent to Zadok and to Abiathar the priests, saying, Speak unto the elders of Judah, saying, Why are ye the last to bring the king back to his house? seeing the speech of all Israel is come to the king, even to his house.

12Ye are my brethren, ye are my bones and my flesh: wherefore then are ye the last to bring back the king?

13And say ye to Amasa, Art thou not of my bone, and of my flesh? God do so to me, and more also, if thou be not captain of the host before me continually in the room of Joab.

14And he bowed the heart of all the men of Judah, even as the heart of one man; so that they sent this word unto the king, Return thou, and all thy servants.

15So the king returned, and came to Jordan. And Judah came to Gilgal, to go to meet the king, to conduct the king over Jordan.

16And Shimei the son of Gera, a Benjamite, which was of Bahurim, hasted and came down with the men of Judah to meet king David.

17And there were a thousand men of Benjamin with him, and Ziba the servant of the house of Saul, and his fifteen sons and his twenty servants with him; and they went over Jordan before the king.

18And there went over a ferry boat to carry over the king’s household, and to do what he thought good. And Shimei the son of Gera fell down before the king, as he was come over Jordan;

19And said unto the king, Let not my lord impute iniquity unto me, neither do thou remember that which thy servant did perversely the day that my lord the king went out of Jerusalem, that the king should take it to his heart.

20For thy servant doth know that I have sinned: therefore, behold, I am come the first this day of all the house of Joseph to go down to meet my lord the king.

21But Abishai the son of Zeruiah answered and said, Shall not Shimei be put to death for this, because he cursed the Lord’s anointed?

22And David said, What have I to do with you, ye sons of Zeruiah, that ye should this day be adversaries unto me? shall there any man be put to death this day in Israel? for do not I know that I am this day king over Israel?

23Therefore the king said unto Shimei, Thou shalt not die. And the king sware unto him.

24And Mephibosheth the son of Saul came down to meet the king, and had neither dressed his feet, nor trimmed his beard, nor washed his clothes, from the day the king departed until the day he came again in peace.

25And it came to pass, when he was come to Jerusalem to meet the king, that the king said unto him, Wherefore wentest not thou with me, Mephibosheth?

26And he answered, My lord, O king, my servant deceived me: for thy servant said, I will saddle me an ass, that I may ride thereon, and go to the king; because thy servant is lame.

27And he hath slandered thy servant unto my lord the king; but my lord the king is as an angel of God: do therefore what is good in thine eyes.

28For all of my father’s house were but dead men before my lord the king: yet didst thou set thy servant among them that did eat at thine own table. What right therefore have I yet to cry any more unto the king?

29And the king said unto him, Why speakest thou any more of thy matters? I have said, Thou and Ziba divide the land.

30And Mephibosheth said unto the king, Yea, let him take all, forasmuch as my lord the king is come again in peace unto his own house.

31And Barzillai the Gileadite came down from Rogelim, and went over Jordan with the king, to conduct him over Jordan.

32Now Barzillai was a very aged man, even fourscore years old: and he had provided the king of sustenance while he lay at Mahanaim; for he was a very great man.

33And the king said unto Barzillai, Come thou over with me, and I will feed thee with me in Jerusalem.

34And Barzillai said unto the king, How long have I to live, that I should go up with the king unto Jerusalem?

35I am this day fourscore years old: and can I discern between good and evil? can thy servant taste what I eat or what I drink? can I hear any more the voice of singing men and singing women? wherefore then should thy servant be yet a burden unto my lord the king?

36Thy servant will go a little way over Jordan with the king: and why should the king recompense it me with such a reward?

37Let thy servant, I pray thee, turn back again, that I may die in mine own city, and be buried by the grave of my father and of my mother. But behold thy servant Chimham; let him go over with my lord the king; and do to him what shall seem good unto thee.

38And the king answered, Chimham shall go over with me, and I will do to him that which shall seem good unto thee: and whatsoever thou shalt require of me, that will I do for thee.

39And all the people went over Jordan. And when the king was come over, the king kissed Barzillai, and blessed him; and he returned unto his own place.

40Then the king went on to Gilgal, and Chimham went on with him: and all the people of Judah conducted the king, and also half the people of Israel.

41And, behold, all the men of Israel came to the king, and said unto the king, Why have our brethren the men of Judah stolen thee away, and have brought the king, and his household, and all David’s men with him, over Jordan?

42And all the men of Judah answered the men of Israel, Because the king is near of kin to us: wherefore then be ye angry for this matter? have we eaten at all of the king’s cost? or hath he given us any gift?

43And the men of Israel answered the men of Judah, and said, We have ten parts in the king, and we have also more right in David than ye: why then did ye despise us, that our advice should not be first had in bringing back our king? And the words of the men of Judah were fiercer than the words of the men of Israel.