1So, Satan was like, "Bet," and started stirring up trouble for Israel, getting David to count them up.

2David hit up Joab and the squad, saying, "Yo, go count everyone in Israel from Beer-sheba to Dan, and bring me the deets."

3Joab replies, "Yo, if God wants, He can make His people a hundred times more than this, but for real, aren’t they all your peeps? Why you trippin’ and causing drama for Israel?"

4But the king's word was straight-up law, so Joab bounced, went all over Israel, and made his way back to Jerusalem.

5Joab dropped the numbers on David, and it was a straight-up flex: a million soldiers in Israel, and Judah had 470,000 warriors ready to pop off.

6But he didn’t count Levi and Benjamin, ‘cause the king's order was sus to Joab.

7God was not vibing with this, so He hit Israel with some consequences.

8David was like, "My bad, God, I messed up big time. Please wipe away my sins; I was acting super dumb."

9Then the Lord slid into Gad, David's seer, saying,

10"Go tell David this: I’m giving you three options; pick one so I can handle it."

11So Gad rolled up to David and was like, "Yo, God said to pick one."

12You can either vibe with three years of famine, three months of getting wrecked by your enemies, or three days of the Lord's sword slashing through the land. Think about it, fam, what should I tell Him?

13David replied, "I'm in a tough spot: I’d rather be in the Lord’s hands, 'cause His mercy is lit; just don’t let me fall into human hands."

14So the Lord sent a plague on Israel, and 70k dudes straight up fell.

15God sent an angel to Jerusalem to wreck it, but when the Lord saw it, He was like, "Chill, that's enough," and told the angel to stop. The angel was by Ornan the Jebusite's threshingfloor.

16David looked up and saw the angel of the Lord chilling between heaven and earth, sword drawn over Jerusalem. David and the elders, all dressed in sackcloth, were on their faces, no cap.

17David said to God, "Ain't I the one who told everyone to be counted? I messed up big time; but what did these sheep do? Let your hand be on me and my fam, but not on your people, so they don't get wrecked."

18Then the angel told Gad to tell David to go up and make an altar to the Lord at Ornan the Jebusite's threshingfloor.

19David bounced up at Gad's word, which he dropped in the name of the Lord.

20Ornan turned around, saw the angel, and his four sons were like, "Nah fam," and hid. Ornan was just out here threshing wheat.

21So David rolls up to Ornan, and Ornan sees him, bounces outta the threshing floor, and straight up bows to David like, "Respect."

22Then David's like, "Yo, let me cop this threshing floor to build an altar for the Lord. You'll get the full price, no cap, so the plague can chill on the people."

23Ornan responds, "Take it, fam. My king can do whatever vibes with him. I’ll throw in the oxen for burnt offerings, the tools for wood, and the wheat for the meat offering; it’s all yours."

24King David's like, "Nah fam, I'm gonna buy it for the full price. I ain't taking your stuff for the Lord or offering burnt offerings for free."

25So David dropped six hundred shekels of gold on Ornan for the spot.

26David built an altar there for the Lord, offered burnt offerings and peace offerings, and called on the Lord; He answered with fire from heaven on the altar.

27The Lord told the angel to chill, and he put his sword back in its sheath.

28When David saw that the Lord answered him at Ornan's threshing floor, he was like, "Bet," and sacrificed there.

29The tabernacle of the Lord that Moses made in the wilderness and the altar for burnt offerings were at the high place in Gibeon during that time.

30But David couldn't roll up to it to ask God stuff 'cause he was shook from the angel's sword.

1And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.

2And David said to Joab and to the rulers of the people, Go, number Israel from Beer–sheba even to Dan; and bring the number of them to me, that I may know it.

3And Joab answered, The Lord make his people an hundred times so many more as they be: but, my lord the king, are they not all my lord’s servants? why then doth my lord require this thing? why will he be a cause of trespass to Israel?

4Nevertheless the king’s word prevailed against Joab. Wherefore Joab departed, and went throughout all Israel, and came to Jerusalem.

5And Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David. And all they of Israel were a thousand thousand and an hundred thousand men that drew sword: and Judah was four hundred threescore and ten thousand men that drew sword.

6But Levi and Benjamin counted he not among them: for the king’s word was abominable to Joab.

7And God was displeased with this thing; therefore he smote Israel.

8And David said unto God, I have sinned greatly, because I have done this thing: but now, I beseech thee, do away the iniquity of thy servant; for I have done very foolishly.

9And the Lord spake unto Gad, David’s seer, saying,

10Go and tell David, saying, Thus saith the Lord, I offer thee three things: choose thee one of them, that I may do it unto thee.

11So Gad came to David, and said unto him, Thus saith the Lord, Choose thee

12Either three years’ famine; or three months to be destroyed before thy foes, while that the sword of thine enemies overtaketh thee; or else three days the sword of the Lord, even the pestilence, in the land, and the angel of the Lord destroying throughout all the coasts of Israel. Now therefore advise thyself what word I shall bring again to him that sent me.

13And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait: let me fall now into the hand of the Lord; for very great are his mercies: but let me not fall into the hand of man.

14So the Lord sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men.

15And God sent an angel unto Jerusalem to destroy it: and as he was destroying, the Lord beheld, and he repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed, It is enough, stay now thine hand. And the angel of the Lord stood by the threshingfloor of Ornan the Jebusite.

16And David lifted up his eyes, and saw the angel of the Lord stand between the earth and the heaven, having a drawn sword in his hand stretched out over Jerusalem. Then David and the elders of Israel, who were clothed in sackcloth, fell upon their faces.

17And David said unto God, Is it not I that commanded the people to be numbered? even I it is that have sinned and done evil indeed; but as for these sheep, what have they done? let thine hand, I pray thee, O Lord my God, be on me, and on my father’s house; but not on thy people, that they should be plagued.

18Then the angel of the Lord commanded Gad to say to David, that David should go up, and set up an altar unto the Lord in the threshingfloor of Ornan the Jebusite.

19And David went up at the saying of Gad, which he spake in the name of the Lord.

20And Ornan turned back, and saw the angel; and his four sons with him hid themselves. Now Ornan was threshing wheat.

21And as David came to Ornan, Ornan looked and saw David, and went out of the threshingfloor, and bowed himself to David with his face to the ground.

22Then David said to Ornan, Grant me the place of this threshingfloor, that I may build an altar therein unto the Lord: thou shalt grant it me for the full price: that the plague may be stayed from the people.

23And Ornan said unto David, Take it to thee, and let my lord the king do that which is good in his eyes: lo, I give thee the oxen also for burnt offerings, and the threshing instruments for wood, and the wheat for the meat offering; I give it all.

24And king David said to Ornan, Nay; but I will verily buy it for the full price: for I will not take that which is thine for the Lord, nor offer burnt offerings without cost.

25So David gave to Ornan for the place six hundred shekels of gold by weight.

26And David built there an altar unto the Lord, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings, and called upon the Lord; and he answered him from heaven by fire upon the altar of burnt offering.

27And the Lord commanded the angel; and he put up his sword again into the sheath thereof.

28At that time when David saw that the Lord had answered him in the threshingfloor of Ornan the Jebusite, then he sacrificed there.

29For the tabernacle of the Lord, which Moses made in the wilderness, and the altar of the burnt offering, were at that season in the high place at Gibeon.

30But David could not go before it to enquire of God: for he was afraid because of the sword of the angel of the Lord.